Not Sure If This Will Be My Last Post

 

I told Tony that I might be having an end of life crisis.  

I can't deal with the feeling of being dismissed anymore--not by him or anyone else in my family.  

The good thing about posting here is that probably no one will ever see this, but that is how I feel.  I am not going back to Cleveland anymore to visit.  Oh, we will probably be called back for births or deaths, but maybe only Tony will go.  For me....it happened when we visited this past June.  As always, Jon brought the kids to a neutral location, to which I appreciated his effort.  He didn't have to.   We spent an hour talking and it became apparent that while Ben was home from school, he did not want to see me.  That's OK, his choice.  

But, when I asked Jon to take a picture with me, he responded, "no, I'm good."  He did after a bit and I thanked him for that.  But, I realized that the entire time I was limping around, no one asked me why.  No one said, "what is wrong, why are you limping?"  They just looked away. 

I loved talking to Sam, Zach and Ellie, but there was something different about it.  Not sure what.  We went home then and in August, I sent Ben a birthday card and a check.  At the end of September, I sent Jon a text asking if Ben got the card since the check was not cashed.  There was no response.  

I started thinking about my life.  Tony is right.  I have done much wrong in my relationships.  Some of that is attributed to the way I was raised and what I was taught was right, but much of it is because of my choices.  He told me once that I didn't take accountability for my actions.  When he said that, in my mind, I thought about marrying a man 28 years my senior, whose family had a strong history of cancer.  I was 24 when he died of cancer and had a 72 day old baby to care for. I worked 3 jobs.  I think I took accountability for my actions.

I remember working late to get overtime and going to the ATM outside of the building.  I was dragged behind the building into an alley on Barn Court and raped.  I think I took accountability for working late.

I married Tony, fully expecting him to protect me, but then was bullied by his family with no protection from him.  I think I took accountability for my actions, did he?  

This is not to say I am blameless....on no.  I have so much to be blamed for.  Blamed, but not dismissed.  I can't even get my son in law to answer a question as to whether or not Ben picked up the check I sent for his birthday when I noticed that it was not evident in my checking account.   I can't get an answer to my texts to Ben about, happy birthday, I hope it was good.   Blame me, yes, don't discount me.  A simple, "yes, it was good," was all I was looking for.

I am 73 years old and all of a sudden, things seem very clear.  Yes, Yes, Yes, I have done many things wrong.  I take responsibility for that.  But then I think of others in the family.  The person who had many affairs, so many that the family home was revoked, and that person is now welcomed back into the lives of my daughter and grandchildren with one of the affair wives.  

The bullying from Tony's family.  The emotional isolation.  The taunts about "we can't talk about that other street where we lived because Jan doesn't like it."  No, it wasn't that Jan didn't like it, it was just another way to keep my out of the conversation.  Not once did these people ask about me, although I was supposed to be family too.  

It was the 3 question thing....how are you?  How is work?  How is Jenna?  once I answered "fine" to the 3 questions, you could literally see them wipe their brow and say, "OK, I talked to her, now we can talk Swegle stuff that she knows nothing about and can't contribute, because that's what's important."

I asked some of them once, "where did I go to school?  I know where you did, but where did I go?'  I said, "I know you have aunts (and named them), who are my aunts?"   I said, I know what your middle names are, what is mine?"  And they didn't know.  And to them it was OK, after all, I could be dismissed, I wasn't a real Swegle.  

I pushed back when they dismissed my daughter, but that was OK too.  They asked me why my mother in law wasn't invited to her wedding.  They claimed if it was money, they would pay for her to attend.  No one realized that their mother treated my daughter like dust under her feet, although they were right there--with her giving the "real" grandchildren $5.00 for Easter one year and giving my daughter only $3.00 in front of everyone.  Giving the boys nice Christmas gifts while she got garbage.  Good way to treat an 11 year old who did nothing but exist.  Of course, I got potpourri for Christmas....pencil shavings while everyone else got nice things.  But, hey, why should I complain?  It's history, I should be over it by now.  Well, no.  It's called a deep emotional wound and it does not go away easily.  It does not even go away with years of therapy.  

Now I'm told that Jenna's children won't benefit from any inheritance from Tony's side of the family--not that they should.  I accept that.  Tell me that Jenna did nothing to build relationships with her children and you.  Tell me that it's your money and you can spend it they way you want, but please don't pull the "we have to keep the bloodline pure," card.  Pure from what?  My grandchildren?   You aren't royalty.  You are just people. 

I have done much wrong in my life.  I have dealt with the fall out.  I was not the mother that Jenna deserved.  But, I should not be dismissed when others are not.  

I am thinking of separating from Tony.  Not that I don't love him, although, he questioned that.  I just can't take being dismissed any longer.  For my birthday, we went to Applebee's.  My choice to save money.  He said he would pick up the food as long as I got the wine.  OK, I drink more than he does.  OK, I did.  But then he looked at me and said, "I didn't get you a cake, do you want me to run into Walmart?"  

He wants me to pay for the groceries I use.  He said, "why should I pay for things I don't use?"  I said, I could understand his position.  I have since taken over paying for all of the groceries.  Two days ago, we got Dixie groomed.  Her first grooming since her surgery.  She looked good.  He told me he stopped at the dog treat store and got her treats that cost $13.00 because she deserved them.  All I could hear was, "I didn't get you a cake, do you want me to run into Walmart?"  Like you have to ask?  

I have done much wrong.  I drink too much, I speak when it hurts.  But, I will not be dismissed anymore. 

For anyone reading this who disagrees, you can fall back on the, "oh she must have been drunk when she wrote this," rationale.  OK, if that makes you feel good, go ahead.  But understand, I am not drunk, I am cold, stone sober.  Check the spelling and the grammar.  Check the formatting--do drunk people use quotation marks?  No, don't.  Think what you will, but understand, I will not be dismissed any longer.  If you cut ties with me, OK.  I will miss you, but I will not hurt for you any longer.  

I'm Tired

 

It seems like I have been running for months.  Like I can't just stop, there is something to do.  The 5th Annual Awards banquet is over and thank God for that.  I've been planning it since last December and I just couldn't do one more thing.  

I took over as President and CEO of Cape Fear Voices/Teen Scene in February and it has been a really hard ride.  I am still the Editor of CFV, so I'm editing, working with the accountant, firing the marketing company we hired, getting the teen program worked out and all kinds of things, but I'm not writing.  That thing that I do that makes me so happy, I'm not doing it anymore.  There is something wrong with that picture.  

I'm still working at Carolina Dunes.  The patients we are taking in are getting more and more violent.  I guess the more violent they are the more money the company makes, but it is getting to be a scary place.  I feel bad for the nurses--always on the front lines.  They get hurt.   I'm still writing the newsletter for Carolina Dunes and I'm still writing for Leland Magazine, but I don't feel like I'm writing--not for me anyway. 

We are trying to schedule a trip to Cleveland.  Trying being the operative word.  We are waiting on the kids schedules from Jenna again.  I know they have things to do, I know they have jobs, but for once, couldn't she just say, plan your trip, we will find a time for you to see the kids.  Tony fusses when I fuss about it, but so many hoops, I'm just too tired to jump through them anymore. 

My hips and legs are still bothering me.  I try to walk extra steps everyday, but sometimes I just can't.  The weight that is piling on is another source of tension.  I hate the way I look. 

We celebrate our 36th wedding anniversary this month.  36 years, wow.  We are going to Olivers in Southport, one of my favorite places. 

The weather is beautiful, but I know that 95 degree days are just around the corner.  I love April and May down here--really the worst is the summer months, but it is worth it.  We watch hummingbirds on the lanai every night and listen to music.  Dixie sleeps at our feet or barks at leaves falling from the trees. She is a silly ass dog and we love her. 

I'm tired.  We did some running around this morning and I hurt.  It's nap time. 

Getting Ready

 

Oh boy, Thanksgiving is right around the corner--that means that David, Brenda, Alex and Birdie will be visiting.

They are getting so big.  David changed jobs, he went back to Mercury Insurance where he was for a good 10 years.  The other job was too much travel and he is glad to be back.  Brenda, still on the bench, is going to be handling more complex cases in 2025, and I am sure she will do very well.

I got some crafts for the girls to do while they are here. I enjoy having them here, but I hate cleaning up for the visit.  I swear, I had enough dust in this house to make 4 new people!!  But, we are almost finished and it will be well worth it. 

Things remain the same for Tony and me.  He is still working at the golf course on Thursday (Ladies Day, they just love him,) and I am still writing and working at Carolina Dunes every other weekend. 

Dixie is still a pain in the butt, but she is ours and we wouldn't know what to do without her.  She will be 12 in January. 

Tony sleeps in the spare room on Wednesday so he doesn't wake me when he gets up to go to work.  Dixie has decided that's where she wants to be when Tony is in there and has been mounting a campaign to sleep there with him several days a week.  She gets under the bed and barks and won't come out.  Tony tried to pull her out the other day and she bit him.  It's really annoying when your dog is as stubborn as you are!

Tony is baking pies right now and getting the Thanksgiving food ready.  

So, back to cleaning I go.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Early Voting, Bread and a Lava Lamp

 

Tony and I went to early voting this past week.  We stood in line for an hour and a half but it's done.  The line went all the way across the street but moved at a good rate, it was just that crowded.

It was interesting listening to the conversations going on around us.  A man behind us was chatting to a woman in line about working in Washington DC and how he "covered" several elections.  He proudly said that he did not vote in the elections he was covering because he didn't think it was fair to the public.  His rationale was that if he selected a candidate, his bias toward that candidate would somehow slip into his reporting.  He went on to talk about the 4 books he wrote and how much time he spent researching a phrase he heard used at Walmart about security.  The woman with whom he was speaking was duly impressed.  I, however, could not get the words, "ego maniac" out of my mind.  Go figure!

Tony did a low country boil last week that was really good.  It is, however, very work intensive, so I am hoping to convince him to serve chips and salsa for upcoming games.  This Sunday, I'm going to try my hand at Tarsitano Bread.  I hope it works out. 

I am back in Leland Middle School every other Wednesday.  We've done an exercise in Pod Casting and this week, I'm going descriptive phrases, where they have to write detailed instructions on how to do something.  Their grade will depend on how well I perform the task depending on their instructions.  Last year, one of the things they had to explain to me was how to tie a shoe.  That was funny.  This year, I am taking our Lava Lamp and I'm going to ask them to describe how it works.  

David, Brenda and the girls will be in for Thanksgiving...another fun year of watching them help Papa put up the tree on Friday.  I can't wait to see them. 

Clam Bake

 

We had our first clam bake of the season yesterday and it was really good. 

We were watching the storm activity--it went west of us, Tony Jr. and family were without power for almost a full day due to high winds and rain.  We got heavy rain  but there were patches of clear weather at times, so the rain wasn't accumulating. 

Tony spent some time in the hospital earlier in the month.  He is on new meds and they wanted to watch him.  It was a long 3 days, but Dixie and I got through it.  

Tony's sister, Rose, just came back from a trip to Iceland.  She sent some really nice pictures and said she had a good time.  It was good for her to get away and put some distance between her and the funeral. 

We will be hosting our niece Katie and her husband Rob in February for Tony's birthday.  They live in California.  Rose will be in as well and Donna and Bob will be in Sunset Beach for January and February.  If Tony Jr and David come in, that will be 9 of us.  A good time, I'm sure. 

David, Brenda, Alex and Birdie will be in for Thanksgiving again this year.  I'm glad.  The clam bake was a lot for Tony  to do, so Thanksgiving dinner in David's hands is a good thing.  

Our niece, Sarah is due in February and is having her gender reveal party in October.  Fritz is going to patch us in via phone so we get to see the party.  They adopted another dog so that Ollie will have someone to play with once the baby arrives.   So two puppies and a baby.  Thank goodness they are young!!

And so, I am going to the  125th Anniversary of the VFW dinner tonight.  I'm covering it for the paper.  Should be fun.  Tony is staying home, so I will be back early. 

I hope everyone has a great October.  Thank goodness it's getting cooler here!

Just When You Think....

 

It seems like just when you think all is well, everything comes apart.  

About a year ago, Tony had a pacemaker installed.  The batteries are supposed to last for 12 years and I was feeling good about that.  I thought we would have 12 years of no worries. 

Well, that was wrong.  This week, I had to take Tony into the hospital to have his pacemaker zapped to get his heart back in rhythm.  Now, he is on a stronger medication and will have to be hospitalized for 3 days for observation.  

I guess there is always something to worry about.

Changes

 

How quickly things change.  We were in Cleveland the week of July 16, to see Jenna's kids and had a great time. 

Now, we are going back for Joe's funeral.  I flip back and forth with my feelings about this.  I am angry at him at some level.  He beat cancer 3 times and kept right on smoking.  Right up until the end.  On the other hand, I feel so bad for my sister in law, Rose.  She dedicated her life to him from the moment they got married and especially in his last days.  She must be exhausted and yet, she goes on.  I know she has to.  I remember well, but it has been a long struggle for her.  

And so, the first of the six of us is gone.  Bob and Donna have been married for 52 years, Rose and Joe for 37 and Tony and I for 35.  I know the remaining four of us are hoping to get several more years in with our spouse, but only time will tell.  For now, we are a group of 5--an odd number for restaurants and parties; but five we will be. I don't want Rose to be left out of activities.  She deserves better than that.