What If?

August is usually a "ho hum" month.  You know, no national holidays, just hot weather and getting ready to go back to school. 

Well, this August sure hasn't been ho hum.  It started with my eye surgeries and then quickly dealt my sister and brother in law a blow as weather in Cleveland caused a tree from the metro parks to fall on to their house and destroy their newly remodeled kitchen, the siding, ceilings and shrubs.  If that wasn't enough, my sister then fell off their pool deck onto the ground head first causing a concussion and 7 staples.  

Next, the air conditioning in my 17 year old Toyota died.  It's not worth repairing it with over 150,000 miles on it so in 97 degree heat,  I drive with wet towels on my neck and lots of sweating.

And finally--the big August "holy shit," Tony went for a routine cardiac appointment last Friday and was admitted to the hospital the same day with a resting heart rate of 27.  He had a pacemaker installed today.   

Tony Jr came in to help us and as we were driving to the hospital early this morning, we got a text saying that Tony was going to be taken for the procedure earlier than we had anticipated.  I just freaked out.  We were still on the road.  I could not envision not seeing him before surgery.

Tony Jr put the pedal to the metal and got us there with 6 minutes to spare.  He dropped me off at the entrance and went to park.  I started to cry in the car thinking I wouldn't see Tony before surgery.  Nurses and other staff who passed me in the hallway stopped to ask me if I was OK?  Did I need help?  How kind they were, but all I kept thinking was, "get out of my way....."  All of the "what if's" that have been hiding in the back of my mind started to look real.  I couldn't speak.  I couldn't even remind Tony Jr where the entrance phone to the cardiac unit was.  

We got there in time....actually, they didn't come for him for another 25 minutes so we had time, but by then I was a mess.  What if, what if, what if was all that I could think of.  

The what if's are behind us now....well, not really.  As he nods off for a nap, I find myself saying, what if?  As he quietly sleeps, if think....what if?  

But Tony thinks he is invincible.  He expects to pick up his old routine in the very near future.  But I am not invincible.  I know that every time he picks up a golf club I will be thinking, what if?  I know that every time he goes to work on Ladies Day, I will be thinking what if.  

August is usually a ho hum month.  Not this time.