Rough Spot

 I guess I shouldn't complain that we seem to be going through a rough spot of late.  We have had it so good for so long.  Tony has another doctor's appointment tomorrow for another echo cardiogram.  The last one (they did last week) showed fluid around his heart again and while they were not concerned over the amount, they want to do another echo just to check it. 

He has a home monitor and I find the blue light that is on the front of it very comforting.  It illuminates the bedroom so if we get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, it guides us there and back.  I look at it as a beacon of hope.  Maybe as a Star Trek beam that has Tony in its sites and is keeping him safe.  I have come to be very fond of that machine.  It tracks his heart activity and sends reports directly to his doctor.  If there is a problem, they call him and give us direction as to what we need to do to keep him safe and alive.

I see him being consumed with the depression that I have had for so many years.  It's like Tony is here, but only 75% of him.  The other 25% worries, stares off into space and doesn't sleep well.   

It's hard for me and for the boys, too (Jenna hasn't weighed in) to see him this way.  He was always the rock--always the fixer and do-er.   Always the guy with the answers to the problems.  Strong and independent.  I watched him chop wood once when we lived in Strongsville.  He was wearing blue jeans, no shirt and boots.  His strong arms swung that ax with gusto and precision and then he stacked the wood.  I don't even think he broke a sweat.  I always told the boys, "don't confuse stature with strength," for while Tony maybe only 5'8", his strength was always boundless.  Personally, I think a lot of the neighborhood ladies were secretly watching him chop that wood.  It was a sight to behold!!

And now, we have moved to a different place in our lives.  I listen to him breathe.  Neither one of us sleeps well.   You can see the shape of the pacemaker in his chest.  It hasn't settled into the muscle yet, so it is swollen and visible.  

I find it odd, that this man, who has such a big heart, is struggling with it.  Heart problems should be the last thing on the list that could hurt Tony.  He protects bugs and animals, he helps people, he drove disable veterans to their doctor's appointments, he encourages the lady golfers when he works at the golf course.  He is friendly to everyone--you know my old saying...."everyone loves Tony, I am an acquired taste."  And as well I should be.  No one is more kind than Tony to people he knows and to strangers.  

We are going through a rough spot.  But we are going through it together.