On May 12, 2019, Tony and I will have been married for 30 years. Think about that...30 years. WOW. That is a lifetime for some, but for us, it is half a life time. Each of us came to our marriage with a previous marriage and children. I have often said that I had the "accidental career," meaning that I didn't start out to be what I ended up to be. I think, to some degree, we had the accidental marriage. We were lonely. We were looking for something--but at that point, I don't think either of us knew what that something was. We knew we didn't want to be alone anymore. We knew that our children would be shaped by our decisions and we knew that what we could be together could be stronger than what we could be alone. But, did we know it would work? Did we know it would last, I'm not sure we did.
Marriage is hard. It's harder with children from previous marriages. If you want it to work, you have to work at it. It's not the Brady bunch. It's dealing with day to day stuff day to day.
There are days when you think you will never be on the same page. Why do your children do this, when my child does that? Which is right? Which is tolerable and for how long? You are each right, protecting your children at all costs, but you have to make sure that the cost is not each other.
Years ago, I read a book by George Burns, called, "Gracie." It's about his wife, Gracie Allen and their marriage. They were together 24 x 7 for more than 40 years. They performed on stage, on radio, on TV. And then, they went home and were married.
They went through some really hard times. George cheated on Gracie, not because he was unhappy, but because the opportunity was there and he could, because he was a "star," and that's what male stars did at that time. They struggled with having children and finally adopted two children from a local Catholic Charity. They had their ups and downs, but according to George, their marriage came down to one thing--"is the soup hot enough for you?"
It's a simple phrase that Gracie would ask him, no matter what was happening. She would make him soup for dinner. She didn't yell at him, she didn't complain, she didn't cry about his affairs. To Gracie, she was married, and she continued in her role as a wife. She cooked for him. She asked if the soup was hot enough for him.
To me, that was a generous question. She was asking if he was OK. She was asking if he saw her as a good wife. She was reminding him that no matter what they went through, the basics of marriage are to care about each other--and this was her way of caring. She made his favorite soup and wanted to make sure it was good--that it met his expectations. I'm really sure I would not be as gracious as Gracie in that circumstance!
Moving to North Caroline allowed us to find our "soup." The children have their own lives and we have ours--intertwined, but lightly. We sit on the lanai at the end of the day and just talk. We joke with each other, we talk about serious things, we sing, we dance and we laugh--and sometimes we even argue. We talk about times when we didn't know each other and we talk about what we have now. We are a soft place to land for each other when the world wants to knock us down into a rocky place.
Marriage is a hard thing--if it's the first, second or third--it takes work. You have to want it to succeed and you have to want it with the person you are with.
But, if you can laugh at each other--if you can laugh with each other--if you can support each other--if you can enjoy your times together, you will be fine.
Thankfully, we are fine. We will continue our evenings on the lanai with Dixie and enjoy the time we have together.
"Tony, is the soup hot enough for you?" Oh wait...YOU made the soup!!!
