This Is Me

The new year is a good time to take stock in ourselves.  I find that the question, "since you retired, what have you accomplished" has been haunting me so much that I decided to figure out exactly what I did do last year and since I retired (November 3, 2018.) 

Here goes:  I spent endless hours at doctor's appointments for a variety of "stuff," including driving 40 minutes 3 times a week to spend 60 seconds in a "light box" for my skin treatments. 

I had ultra sounds, stress tests, blood tests, X-rays, nuclear scans and a plethora of diagnostic tests to see "what if" to figure out why I couldn't walk more than 200 yards without needing oxygen or water or to decide what to do about nodules on my thyroid and lung.  Thank God for handicap stickers.  

I helped a Novant volunteer write his college essays and scholarship pieces.  He successfully got into the college of his choice, with two scholarships. 

I helped our niece, Shannon, with her resume and interviewing skills so she could land her "dream" job.  And she did!!

I helped our niece, Sarah with her resume and cover letter as she, too, is looking for a new career.  

I attempted to  help our nephew with his depression, that so mirrors my own.  He makes small steps every day; hopefully based on some of  the discussions we had and the time he spent with us. I believe he is starting to see a crack of daylight in the dark fog of depression. 

I helped a Novant co-worker with her Business Organization project for college. She got one of the highest grades in the class!

I met a server at Applebee's and encouraged her get out of an abusive relationship.   She wears a necklace I got her that says she can soar to the greatest of heights by just trying and spreading her wings. That pleases me. She is out of the relationship and has a new job.   

I reconnected with two old and dear friends; Pat and Joyce.  Both have had hardships this past year and I hope I have helped to soften the blows that they have received. 

I started going to church with a new friend, Carol (but have since decided to sleep in on Sunday's.  I'm used to much better preaching!)  I'm hoping she will realize what strength she has within her from our talks and interaction.  

I researched and found our new car, online.  Tony loves it.  You can see it in his face when he is behind the wheel and I am pleased that I was able to give him some help.  

I read 14 books. Some text books from college, some from my therapist, some from Novant management, some for fun, some for information and some, just because.

I attended a writer's workshop at UNCW.  It woke my soul.  

I made email contact with one of the organizers of the writer's workshop who also writes for various local magazines, in an effort to get him to review some of my work.  (This is an ongoing, frustrating process.)

I submitted an article to "Live Out Loud," magazine.  (No response.)

I submitted the same article to AARP Magazine.  (No response.) 

I submitted the same article to Salt Magazine.  (No response.)  I guess the article isn't very good!

I submitted two writing contest entries to the "Write By Night," online writing group, of which I am a member.

I found an online yoga instructor and have tried to get back into the swing of yoga.  This, too, is an ongoing, frustrating process--I just don't bend the way I used to.

I spent many happy hours finding beautiful outfits for Alex to display at daycare and other avenues of her adventures!  She makes all of the clothes we get her look so good!

I wrote a book for Alex and then for Owen.  Something that pleased me greatly.  

I got a new camera (Thank you, Tony,) and took some new and really good photos.  This is a passion I need to shift my focus to, because I really enjoy it. 

I researched and bought new lanai furniture which Tony, Dixie and I enjoy every evening.  Being there is a perfect way to end the day. 

I became a registered North Carolina voter.  This is something that I haven't been since the '80's.  But I am now and I hope to use my vote wisely to support the next Democratic presidential candidate.  

I rested my head.  This sounds silly, especially after 67+ years, but when you think of being married at 20, being a mother at 24, being widowed 72 days after giving birth, losing your husband, your home,  your dog, your life, your entire existence in a few short months, it makes sense. 

I never had the time to rest when Bill died.  I went from being a grieving widow to moving, working, finding a new place to live and finding a new life all in a very short period of time.  I was tired.  I was so tired.  Even after Tony and I got married 11 years later, I was tired.  I was running.  Promoting my career to make more money.  Going back to school.  Being a whole new person.

Being retired was the first time I had to just be.  To not worry about helping to put food on the table, keeping my job, being an adequate parent, being a wife that meets expectations.  Running--always running to keep up.  And not doing a very good job of it.  Always knowing that there was something out there that I didn't do well, didn't do enough.  Didn't do.  I rested my head.  Sometimes I didn't like the decisions I made, sometimes I just lived with them.  Sometimes the decisions just lived with me.   

And so,  that is my year of "accomplishments."  Pretty poor if you are looking for books to be published or goals to be surpassed.  I did none of these, but I think, in some small way, I made a difference.  At least I hope I did.  

One of my favorite movies is, "The Greatest Showman." I love the story, I love the music.  One of the songs from that show is called, "This Is Me."  The song of misfits.  Part of it says:

"I am who I'm meant to be.  I make no apologies, this is me."  

"Me" isn't always a pretty picture.  I spent way too much time watching Dr. Phil, playing computer games and drinking wine.  I escaped.  And, for much of that, I wish I could change the time I spent.  But I can't.  I did what I needed to do at the time.  

I can't make apologies.  They would be hollow.  I probably didn't accomplish what I could have in 2019, but this is who I'm meant to be.  I helped where I could.  I learned when I had the opportunity.  I tried.  God knows I tried.