Healing

I have been battling depression for a number of years.  I take medication and when I just can't take anymore, I see a therapist.  There are days when I think I have everything under control and other days when I can't even get out of my office chair because the weight of the depression holds me down like a prisoner in a small dark cage. 

I have heard people say that depression is not real--that is just a temporary "bad day" kind of a thing.  They don't know how wrong they are.  I have also heard some people say that they are not depressed, but when you look deeper at their routines and problem solving processes and how they stress and address the world, you can see that at some level, they are. 

So, where is all of this going?  Recently, I had the opportunity to write about a program here in Brunswick County put on by the Brunswick Art Council, through the Leland Cultural Arts Center.  It's called "Art for Healing."  And that's exactly what it is.   The program does not assess your level of depression or mental health issues, it is about art instruction, no matter how basic your skill level may be.  It's a free program that even provides the supplies that you will need. 

The program is held in a local park.  I selected the sketching class--mainly because it was the only one that fit into my deadline schedule, but also because I have always wanted to be able to sketch something and have it turn out like what I was looking at.  So far, that has not been the case.  I tend to try to make my drawings "perfect"  or at least an excellent rendition of the material.  

I went mainly for the story,  but as I was receiving instruction, there was a sense of calm that came over me.  It wasn't like this lightening bolt that said, "ah ha, you are not depressed right now!"  It was more like letting go of things that were in my mind (not "on" but "in".)  Being distanced from my daughter--which is always top of mind, seemed to sting a bit less.  My physical health issues went dormant for an hour while I sketched and the growing older stigma that looms larger everyday wasn't as painful as it was yesterday.  The day cooperated with the program by being bright, with Carolina blue skies and big white puffy clouds.  There was an aggressive wind that flipped the pages of my sketch book, but also covered my face with the smell of spring--and it felt good to be outside. 

Trey, the art instructor for that day gave me some input that helped me and has stayed with me.  Trey told me to look for what was right in whatever my end product happened to be.  He said that people stress too much about what is wrong with their creative endeavors and not what is right about it.  Did my tree look as professionally done as his did?  No, but I wasn't drawing it for him, I was drawing it for me.   Trey also told me to trust my eyes and hands to work in concert with each other.   As I did that, my work became better.  I have translated that into trusting myself.  For a very long time I based my self worth on the value others awarded me or the shortcomings they saw.   I decided not to do that anymore.  I know myself.  I know what I am not doing correctly in my life and I know when I am doing something well.  No one has to point it out the negative aspects of my actions to me, for I knew them  long before anyone else did. 

The "Art for Healing" program didn't "fix" me, but it made me take a step toward a different way of seeing the world and my reaction to it.  It made me not want to walk in my own shadow anymore, but to cast a new one. 

I will never be an accomplished artist in the sketching or painting world.  But, I will find peace and joy in creating whatever my eyes and hands are "seeing."  And I will treasure those feeling for a very long time. 

I hope everyone has a wonderful Easter and that it gives you peace.